Saturday, January 7, 2017

Our Sad News

Photo by Marilyn Wilcken
I wanted to share our sad news.  I've hesitated to share, not sure how to share all of this publicly but realize this is a part of our story and want to let all know what has been going on in our family.  We found out we were expecting our 5th baby, a long awaited little one to complete our family.  We were thrilled, we had talked as a family about having one more baby for a couple years now, and couldn't wait to meet this new little one.

At our 20 week ultrasound we found out that our baby was not doing well.  Our little one has not formed properly the past few months and may not survive until birth and would not survive for very long after birth.  It is something that is very rare, it is not genetic, and there is no name for it other then this babe of ours did not form properly during the first couple weeks of conception and has a myriad of developmental issues.   Because of the way our little one was positioned with the placenta and the unknowns of delivery, there was some danger moving forward with the pregnancy, and our doctors encouraged us to induce labor and have our little one as soon as possible.  We weren't comfortable with doing that, at least not at that 20 week appointment. We moved forward with a lot of questions and decisions to be made.

After many doctor's visits, thoughtful prayer and contemplation, blessings, researching, second, third, and fourth opinions, fasting, and multiple lengthy ultrasounds we have decided to continue this pregnancy for as long as we can and deliver our little one via c-section.  This was not an easy decision to be made, but we have found so much peace in choosing to continue this pregnancy.  We want to honor the life of our little baby for as long as we can, and do for this little one as much as we can for the short time we will have with our child on this earth.  Every movement with our unborn baby is precious and every heartbeat is a miracle.  I truly can't believe this little one is still with us, with all the problems that their little broken body is dealing with.

I have felt so much peace and comfort through all  of this, though it is devastating to us and our family, we know this experience can make us stronger and we know Heavenly Father is so mindful of us and our little baby and has a plan for each of us.  Though we do believe in miracles, Steve and I have felt acceptance from the beginning that this child of ours will just be with us for a short amount of time.  In many cases in this broken world of ours we are asked to walk through difficult experiences, many of us have gone through similar things, broken bodies, broken dreams, loss, pain, trauma, death of loved ones.  It is part of this fallen world, part of mortality, part of free agency.  But Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ are with us through it all.  When I sat in that ultrasound room, knowing something wasn't right, starting to feel the panic overwhelm me, I prayed hard and the peace came and swallowed up the fear and doubt.  That peace has stayed with me, and I have been able to access it during the dark times and the fearful thoughts that have come.

I know we still are working through all of this, all these feelings of carrying a baby that I know will be going back to heaven soon, and we still have to meet and say goodbye to this child of ours.  We pray we will have the strength to do so with grace and wisdom.  We have felt over the last few weeks that this child is ours, a part of our family, and that this baby will be ours again.  God is good, there is so much good in this world, and I know that through His Son wrong will be made right, brokenness will be made whole, and tears and loss will turn to joy and rejoicing.

Friday, January 6, 2017

Christmas 2016

Christmas this year at our home was magical and over too soon.  "For Unto us a Child is Born." 

  • Waking up to a clean house, dishes done, table set for breakfast.  I went to bed after setting up all the gifts for Christmas, too tired to clean the house up.  I woke up to it clean and tidy.  Best Christmas gift ever from my favorite husband.
  • Christmas breakfast with the family.
  • Karter’s gift to me.  A chicken pot pie that he had wrapped a couple days ago.  It was smooshed and oozing.   I laughed so hard I cried, everyone joined in, and a happy Karter kept asking why we were laughing, asking me if I didn’t like chicken pot pie.  I assured him I did through fits of giggles.
  • Jakob opening up his xbox.  This chilled out boy of ours was so excited, jumping up and down, completely surprised.
  • Putting together Beckett’s train set.  Having all the kids play with it throughout the morning.
  • Happy smiles throughout the day, everyone getting along and being kind to one another.
  • Getting ready for church with all my new pretties.
  • Sacrament meeting, the music and speakers were wonderful, feeling the spirit so strong.  The story our Bishop shared.
  • Skipping Christmas dinner because I was just too tired, Steve suggesting I do so.
  •  Watching It’s a wonderful Life together as a family.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Almost Summer

Life lately has been so very full.  These kiddos of mine keep me on my toes everyday.  We are so looking forward to this summer and the summer plans, oh these summer plans of ours, are in the works.  Birthdays, family trips, camps, cousins, beach and camping adventures, with the added bonus of lazy days and no homework, yes please.  

I've taken a couple trips to Utah this spring, one for a girl's weekend without kids and one for a week with just my youngest.  I love making it a priority to get away, I love seeing my Utah family and making connections with them, and I absolutely love when it is time to come home to my family.  

In my last post I shared some crafts that I have been working on.  I'm all about making things right now, I just have so many ideas, so many things I want to create.  I'm trying to create a little each day, its hard because once I start I don't want to stop.  I'm trying to squeeze in an hour here and an half an hour there, just so I can fit it in.  

Our Memorial weekend was wonderful, a family barbecue and a visit to the gravesides of loved ones, such a beautiful day together.  The weather here has been gorgeous!  We are headed toward 100 degree weather this weekend, that is insane for us in June.  

I'm trying to bask in the sunshine and ignore my allergies.  I never had allergies as a child, not until I was in my later twenties did I notice allergies and they just have gotten worse each year.  I have loved using the combination of lavender, peppermint, and lemon essential oils in my diffuser.  It has helped and I love the scent.

Now to enjoy the last couple weeks of school.  Reminding myself that it is just a couple more weeks of homework and schedules, until everything shifts to summer days. Can't wait.