|Photo by Marilyn Wilcken|
At our 20 week ultrasound we found out that our baby was not doing well. Our little one has not formed properly the past few months and may not survive until birth and would not survive for very long after birth. It is something that is very rare, it is not genetic, and there is no name for it other then this babe of ours did not form properly during the first couple weeks of conception and has a myriad of developmental issues. Because of the way our little one was positioned with the placenta and the unknowns of delivery, there was some danger moving forward with the pregnancy, and our doctors encouraged us to induce labor and have our little one as soon as possible. We weren't comfortable with doing that, at least not at that 20 week appointment. We moved forward with a lot of questions and decisions to be made.
After many doctor's visits, thoughtful prayer and contemplation, blessings, researching, second, third, and fourth opinions, fasting, and multiple lengthy ultrasounds we have decided to continue this pregnancy for as long as we can and deliver our little one via c-section. This was not an easy decision to be made, but we have found so much peace in choosing to continue this pregnancy. We want to honor the life of our little baby for as long as we can, and do for this little one as much as we can for the short time we will have with our child on this earth. Every movement with our unborn baby is precious and every heartbeat is a miracle. I truly can't believe this little one is still with us, with all the problems that their little broken body is dealing with.
I have felt so much peace and comfort through all of this, though it is devastating to us and our family, we know this experience can make us stronger and we know Heavenly Father is so mindful of us and our little baby and has a plan for each of us. Though we do believe in miracles, Steve and I have felt acceptance from the beginning that this child of ours will just be with us for a short amount of time. In many cases in this broken world of ours we are asked to walk through difficult experiences, many of us have gone through similar things, broken bodies, broken dreams, loss, pain, trauma, death of loved ones. It is part of this fallen world, part of mortality, part of free agency. But Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ are with us through it all. When I sat in that ultrasound room, knowing something wasn't right, starting to feel the panic overwhelm me, I prayed hard and the peace came and swallowed up the fear and doubt. That peace has stayed with me, and I have been able to access it during the dark times and the fearful thoughts that have come.
I know we still are working through all of this, all these feelings of carrying a baby that I know will be going back to heaven soon, and we still have to meet and say goodbye to this child of ours. We pray we will have the strength to do so with grace and wisdom. We have felt over the last few weeks that this child is ours, a part of our family, and that this baby will be ours again. God is good, there is so much good in this world, and I know that through His Son wrong will be made right, brokenness will be made whole, and tears and loss will turn to joy and rejoicing.