On this Mother's Day I celebrate almost 14 years of being a mama. I can't begin to describe the gratitude that I feel to be the mother to these four kiddos that call me mama and to my sweet baby girl London Ann that I was blessed to meet and say goodbye to earlier this year. I feel so incredibly privileged to be her mother.
I've always had a great desire to be a mother and feel amazingly blessed for all of these kiddos that I get to raise in this life, but I also feel a space where I wish for more children. I know that may sound crazy to some people, 4 is a lot of kids, but the funny thing is, I feel that there is room for more in our family.
As I look back on having each of my children, it's interesting to see the struggles that we have faced from bedrest to spacing farther apart then we would have liked and so many other factors. I'm at this place now where we're coming to the end, if not the end, of our childbearing years, and it's hard not to feel this desire for more children. It's funny, because I truly believe that London's life was what it was supposed to be, and for whatever reason that was the plan for her life, but the loss of her is still very real. Is this space I feel the loss of her or is it a desire for more children, I'm still trying to sort that all out. I've heard it shared that this desire for more children in some women never leaves.
I do feel like I need to focus on my blessings, having grace with my own situation, whatever they may be. I know there are people who have tried for years to have children and have never had the opportunity, and then there are also people that have welcomed more babies than they thought they could handle, and every situation in between. I know my situation falls somewhere in the middle of all this.
I also know that God honors our desire to be mothers. That through Christ he will fix the losses and the longings. So I will hug my babies tonight and feel grateful for all my incredible blessings. I'll trust as I move forward through life that with Heavenly Father's help I will make the right decisions for myself and my family, knowing that this life is not the end, and that in the end all will be made right.