Something More

He comes to my office, my five-year-old boy.

I was working away on my computer, getting things done. 

It is a Friday, a day where he doesn’t have school and he gets to stay home with me. 

He comes up and asked me, I hear him quietly say,

"Mama, how will Jesus come again?"

I turn to him, "I don’t know baby, he'll come down from the sky."

He persists in his questioning, "But when will he come?"

I thoughtfully respond, "I don’t know, hopefully someday soon."

He asks in earnest, "And will he bring London with him?" 

"Yes baby he will bring London with him." 

"But I want her here now." 

I take him in my arms, "I want her here now too baby." 

My baby girl has a birthday in a couple weeks. 

If she were here with us she would be a year old. 

We celebrated my other baby's first birthdays with a big family party, balloons and gifts, and giggling, happy 1 year old eating their first piece of cake. 

This birthday will look different.

Over this last year I have thought of her so very much.

The time when she should’ve been a week old, then a month, then three months, and finally now a year has gone by. 

I have a feeling that this way of marking the days will continue for the rest of my days.

Unfulfilled dreams, all the what ifs.

But we will celebrate her day, with cake and balloons.  A white cake with pink writing, for our baby girl.

We will write her notes, visit her grave, and bring her flowers.

Over this last year I've had to remind myself over and over again that Heavenly Father has a plan and he loves us.

She is in my thoughts always, and I find so much joy in the knowledge that she is ours, our beautiful daughter. 

But intertwined with that joy is of course the grief, the bitter disappointment that she is not with us.

The ache that I carry with me to hold her in my arms.

So I wait to see her again, of course it feels like it will be a lifetime away, and maybe it will, but always worth the wait. 

I’ve always looked forward to the Savior second coming.

He will fix our broken world, make all the wrongs right, be the perfect king and leader.

But now I also wait for something more.

Because when I see Him again, I will see her again.

My grief and loss will be filled with joy that will overflow.